What is Stonewalling and Why Your Ex Does It

Stonewalling can feel like standing at a locked door with no handle—waiting, knocking, hoping someone will eventually answer. In divorce and co‑parenting, it’s especially difficult because life keeps moving. Custody agreements keep us from moving foward.  But, what if we can't move forward with decisions because of a controlling ex?


When your ex refuses to communicate with you by ghosting or ignoring your requests they are stonewalling you. Many times, this is their manipulative tactics. They want you to have to wait, because waiting is something that causes chaos.  They want to ignore your requests because you bring up the truth, the hard things.  They want you to go away. 


This guide will help you recognize stonewalling for what it is, understand why it’s happening, and find your way forward when silence leaves you carrying everything alone.


What Is Stonewalling?

Stonewalling is the refusal to engage, respond, or participate—using silence to avoid responsibility or exert control.


It can look like:

  • Messages left unanswered
  • Questions acknowledged but never resolved
  • Decisions delayed until the burden shifts to you
  • Silence that forces you to choose between acting alone or letting things fall apart
  • Delays with simple questions that could have already been answered


Stonewalling is not calm.

It’s not boundaries.

And it’s not neutrality.

Silence becomes the message.


Why Your Ex Uses Stonewalling

Stonewalling is rarely about confusion or busyness. More often, it’s about power, avoidance, or emotional self‑protection.


Some common reasons:

1. Avoiding accountability - Responding would require effort, compromise, or ownership because silence lets them opt out without saying no.

2. Maintaining control - If you’re waiting, unsure, or anxious, they remain influential without lifting a finger.

3. Punishment or resentment - Silence becomes a way to express anger while still appearing passive or uninvolved.

4. Emotional overwhelm or immaturity - Some people shut down when faced with conflict or decisions they don’t want to face—but the impact is the same.


Regardless of the reason, stonewalling shifts all emotional and logistical labor onto you.


The Cost of Stonewalling

For women navigating divorce or co‑parenting, the toll is quiet but heavy:

  • You second‑guess yourself
  • You feel frozen, anxious, or hyper‑vigilant
  • You carry decision fatigue alone
  • You worry about being perceived as “difficult” for moving forward

And often, you begin to ask the wrong question: Am I allowed to decide?


Instead of the truer one: Why am I being left with no choice?



What Options Are You Left With?

When someone refuses to engage, your options narrow—but they don’t disappear.


Option 1: Do nothing

This keeps the peace on the surface, but it costs you stability, momentum, and often your child’s well‑being.

Courts—and life—do not expect children’s needs to pause indefinitely.


Option 2: Wait longer

Sometimes appropriate. Often exhausting. And rarely rewarded when silence is a pattern, not a pause.


Option 3: Act thoughtfully and transparently

This becomes the only functional path forward.

Acting does not mean acting recklessly.


It means:

  • Documenting your attempts to include them
  • Setting reasonable timelines
  • Choosing the least disruptive option
  • Acting in the child’s best interest


This also means you will be accused of making unilateral decisions. 


But, you have to weigh the accusations against the wait.  You aren't your ex husband's mother, you aren't his secretary and you aren't the avoidant parent who waits and hopes the situation goes away. 


You are the responsible leader who acts in the absence of cooperation.



A Reframe for the Woman Carrying the Weight

Silence is a decision. Non‑response is not neutrality—it’s abdication.


If you tried to engage, If you waited reasonably, If you acted with care and clarity,


Then you didn’t exclude them.


They excluded themselves.



A Gentle Closing

Stonewalling can make you feel stuck. 

But, you will move forward with clarity and strength.  You will be the parent prioritizing your child.


It's not about pushing harder or chasing down a decision. It’s about knowing when you’ve waited long enough—and trusting yourself to move forward with integrity.


You are not wrong for choosing movement over paralysis.


You are choosing to protect your peace.


(My ex is a master stonewaller.  This is also not legal advice, so please consult with an attorney or trust the voice inside of you.)